October 2, 2009
Long time, no post…
It’s been a significant period of time since i last wrote. I’ve not been doing too well and have just wanted to hide, really. Even now I’m not really up for being amazingly chatty, however I do feel like I need to say something, or want to say something.
I have relapsed. That is the one thing I can say online that I cannot say in RL. I’ve spoken to a couple of people about it but haven’t been able to use the R word verbally. This makes me feel like a total failure. The R word, not my inability to actually say it. I’m supposed to be so over this shit.
I’m very much not. It’s understandable, people tell me, with what I’m dealing with atm, that I would turn back to old ways of coping. Trying to deal with the abuse and flashbacks = restricting, binging and purging. I’ve even taken to my good old habit of throwing up my drinks. I am that much of a genius.
I am not proud of this fact at all. I am not proud of the fact that, at 31 years old, I am still dealing with this. That at 31 years old there are words that I can write but cannot say. The R word is one. The A word (as used above) is another. I am actually a little shamed of that now I think of it.
