November 21, 2009
It has, again, been a very long time since I’ve posted. I would apologise for that, but I see no real need to. I hate how that sounds btw…
Things have not been good. I’ve had a lot of stress lately, and everything has gone to hell. I think that my session with my counsellor this week may be my last since that’s going really badly. I’ve had a horrendous time at uni where I’ve been backed into a corner and had no choice but to intermit (take a year out). The change in seasons has led to a total resurgence of depression, and I’ve been feeling so disgusting and dirty that I’ve taken to showering with a nail brush to try and scrub all the evil off me. I had to sit in my uni tutor’s office the other day and confess that I’ve relapsed and that my depression is shit. He was less than supportive, but it made him understand the whole year out thing.
Life is feeling pretty unbearable at the moment. I am still trying to battle on, and still trying to work out how to make it work, how to make it better and how to feel like this hasn’t all been a total waste. However, I’m also using all of the above to beat myself up over and over again. This is a Bad Thing. I just can’t seem to believe I deserve anything better. I wake up most mornings with dread because I have to face ANOTHER day of feeling like this, ANOTHER day of failing at life, ANOTHER day of being a drain on the world. I am so completely ashamed of everything that’s happened lately. SO ashamed.
It’s raining outside. Has been most of the day. It’s not filling me with joy either. Oh, and I need to go food shopping. What I WANT to do is go and buy loads of binge food and wait til my housemates are out a bit later and have an enormous b/p, just to add to my feelings of total awesomeness…
